Reflection

I think reflection is an integral part of handling all the stress related to being a first year teacher in a school like most Teach for America schools. Unfortunately, there isn't usually much time for reflection. So, my blog is going to become my reflection hot spot. This morning, I taught measurement. It was probably the fourth time I have tried to teach how to measure on a ruler fourths and eighths of inches. I failed for the fourth time. It was utter failure in the worst way. I tried having my students divide the 0 to the 1 into four equal parts. They didn't get the connection. I tried explaining that there are often 16 dashes on a ruler between 0 and 1 and every other dash is an eighth. They stared at me blankly. I had pictures and posters, but I couldn't even understand what I was saying. I just KNOW where 1/8 of an inch is. I don't remember how I learned. I wish I could say that I am going to teach this better next year, but I have no idea how.
I felt like such a bad teacher. Why am I unable to explain these concepts? I think that's part of the problem with being a first year teacher and with Teach for America. Just because you know something does not mean you know how to convey that information to a third grader. I spent my planning tutoring students, trying to explain the concept. A few more seemed to get it. In the afternoon, my lessons were poorly planned and I felt like I was improving which made me feel like an even worse teacher. But there just doesn't seem to be any time. Maybe I just need to find a way to MAKE time. Then, I tried tutoring again with measurement after school and failed utterly. One of my students got a 3 out of 16 on the test and he has been doing that all year on math tests. I don't know what to do about it. I recommended him for Student Support Services but they didn't really DO anything. His dad and I are both really concerned. The kid's mother died this year and that's related, although he was struggling before then. It's hard because I really love this kid, but he never pays attention in class. I feel like I should be hard on him about that to help him, but it breaks my heart to be hard on him. He always seems so depressed. After tutoring, I tried to meet with another teacher at my school about a unit plan. I have to put together a social studies unit and we don't have textbooks. My units this year have been terrible, but this is for a class, and I want to make sure to improve it. (Especially because I will use it next year). But it seems a daunting amount of work. I don't know where to look up texts on the subject it will be on. Where can I find my grade level documents that will teach them about this subject? I have no clue. I already looked this year when I taught the unit so poorly. All in all, I am discouraged. I want to be better. I want to serve my students well. I also want to make the people in my life who are not in Teach for America happy. I don't want them to feel like they are second place to my job. Yet, they are so many times. They are. I don't know how to function any other way. As it is, I am not doing an adequate job. I want to spend time with the people I care about outside of work, but it is difficult. And they never really seem to understand how difficult. The sacrifice that I feel is made by hanging out with other people... they can't understand that. But, it's not like I don't WANT to hang out with them either. Well, anyway, it helped to write about it. Now, I had better get my act together so things tomorrow aren't as haphazard and sporadic as they were today!

Senselesss complaining

I know there's no point. But if you don't think you really want to be a teacher long - term, it is not a good idea to try and be a teacher short - term just to support a cause. It's too hard to spend all of your time doing something you don't enjoy. I'm complaining because I want to have hobbies again! I want to do anything else but lesson plan on the weekends. I hate lesson planning! I want to not feel stressed every time I go out and do something that isn't related to school. But unfortunately, I think everyone feels that way. Life is a lot of hard work and work is not always fun. There are tedious parts of every job. I don't really know where all this is going except to say sometimes it is really really hard to stay motivated. So much of my free time seems to be me forcing myself to do things I know I must do if my classroom is to remain functional at all.