Reflection

I think reflection is an integral part of handling all the stress related to being a first year teacher in a school like most Teach for America schools. Unfortunately, there isn't usually much time for reflection. So, my blog is going to become my reflection hot spot. This morning, I taught measurement. It was probably the fourth time I have tried to teach how to measure on a ruler fourths and eighths of inches. I failed for the fourth time. It was utter failure in the worst way. I tried having my students divide the 0 to the 1 into four equal parts. They didn't get the connection. I tried explaining that there are often 16 dashes on a ruler between 0 and 1 and every other dash is an eighth. They stared at me blankly. I had pictures and posters, but I couldn't even understand what I was saying. I just KNOW where 1/8 of an inch is. I don't remember how I learned. I wish I could say that I am going to teach this better next year, but I have no idea how.
I felt like such a bad teacher. Why am I unable to explain these concepts? I think that's part of the problem with being a first year teacher and with Teach for America. Just because you know something does not mean you know how to convey that information to a third grader. I spent my planning tutoring students, trying to explain the concept. A few more seemed to get it. In the afternoon, my lessons were poorly planned and I felt like I was improving which made me feel like an even worse teacher. But there just doesn't seem to be any time. Maybe I just need to find a way to MAKE time. Then, I tried tutoring again with measurement after school and failed utterly. One of my students got a 3 out of 16 on the test and he has been doing that all year on math tests. I don't know what to do about it. I recommended him for Student Support Services but they didn't really DO anything. His dad and I are both really concerned. The kid's mother died this year and that's related, although he was struggling before then. It's hard because I really love this kid, but he never pays attention in class. I feel like I should be hard on him about that to help him, but it breaks my heart to be hard on him. He always seems so depressed. After tutoring, I tried to meet with another teacher at my school about a unit plan. I have to put together a social studies unit and we don't have textbooks. My units this year have been terrible, but this is for a class, and I want to make sure to improve it. (Especially because I will use it next year). But it seems a daunting amount of work. I don't know where to look up texts on the subject it will be on. Where can I find my grade level documents that will teach them about this subject? I have no clue. I already looked this year when I taught the unit so poorly. All in all, I am discouraged. I want to be better. I want to serve my students well. I also want to make the people in my life who are not in Teach for America happy. I don't want them to feel like they are second place to my job. Yet, they are so many times. They are. I don't know how to function any other way. As it is, I am not doing an adequate job. I want to spend time with the people I care about outside of work, but it is difficult. And they never really seem to understand how difficult. The sacrifice that I feel is made by hanging out with other people... they can't understand that. But, it's not like I don't WANT to hang out with them either. Well, anyway, it helped to write about it. Now, I had better get my act together so things tomorrow aren't as haphazard and sporadic as they were today!